That’s Deandre Jordan above. He plays Center for the L.A. Clippers. He was drafted at Pick no. 35 by the Clippers in 2008. .We know him best for his “Iron Man” streak. But last night he created another kind of streak. He missed 22 shots. I watched all 22 shots and I’m going to try to explain them to somehow rationalize why the hell he could not get one basket in. NOT ONE. Forget 80 percent, the ideal number one should get for free throws. He couldn’t get ONE in. There must be some kind of explanation here. Poor guy must feel like a piece of old gum stuck to someone’s boot right about now. Here are my notes on Deandre Jordan’s Majestic Missed 22.
By Justin Robertson
#1 Ball went long. Too much air. Like a sand wedge out of a bunker. The ball bounces back to Jordan. When you miss a free throw like that, when it bounces back to you to, it’s a reminder, you suck. You missed. Not an ideal start.
#2 Ball falls short. It hits the front part of the rim. At first I thought they had pulled someone from the crowd to take the shot. They didn’t. Not the best-looking approach at the line either.
#3 Ball goes long. Frustration sets in. Jordan throws his arms in the air and kicks his legs out in disgust. He’s being hard on himself. Many good players have missed three baskets in a row. EASE THE TENSION BABY!
#4 Jordan (no, not that Jordan) fires the ball into the back part of the rim. It bobbles and slips out. That looked kind of close, like the ball almost went in. To borrow a line from NBA Jam: “He can’t buy a bucket!!”
#5 Ahhhh! That looked like a combination of shots 1 and 2. It hits the front part of the rim, bounces to the backboard, bobbles for a bit, and falls out. His shooting hand looks a bit flimsy. From the outer, it looks as if there is no conviction in his shot. But, I’m no basketball coach so who am I to judge? You know that saying, “Go flimsy or go home!” AM I RIGHT?!!
#6 Ooohhhhh! Damn! The ball hits the side rim, bounces, then bangs into the backboard for no score. He looks like he’s under pressure now. He tries to laugh it off, but no-one else is laughing. Just like that time BONO tried to crack a joke about Kurt Loder at the MTV Awards and no-one laughed. Jordan’s shot looked quick and rushed. Not a good crumbling.
#7 The ball goes long! Jordan is now 0-from- 7 and the question must be asked: “WHAT’S IT GONNA TAKE FOR ONE OF THESE BAD BOYS TO DROP!??!”
#8 The ball falls short! Well short! It hits the front of the rim as some sort of saving grace. Can a player be subbed out so that someone else can take his free throws? On the positive side of things, at least he’s hitting something: rims, backboards, rims, front, side, rims. It’s all good!
#9 Ok. Scratch that. AIR BAAAAAAAAAAAALLL! Was that a pass?! Jordan looks rattled. I mean, really rattled!! He’s spooked! Like Tom Cruise in Cocktail spooked!
#10 Short AGAIN!! An-oth-er front rimmer! That’s 0-from-10 and 22-points gone begging. The Clippers would be up 89-58, but instead Jordan is making sure this game is close! No harm in that, is there?!
#11 Ball hits the back rim then bounces right back to him, in his hands. Is this legit match fixing at play? (actually asking.) Wait. His teammates just gave him a high five – FOR WHAT?!?
#12 Ball falls short! Front rim shot! Did someone move the ring back a whole foot? That would explain a lot. Clearly, all those Climate Change discussions taking place in Paris are affecting him! Or the news that Steven Seagal has been asked to train Serbia’s special police force! How amazing is that?! Under Siege fans eat your heart out! Whatever it is, that is curdling inside his head, this is getting out of control!
#13 Ball falls – you guessed it – SHORT. A-GAIN! FRONT RIM! Good god, man! Just. Get. It. In.
#14 Remember that kid from your childhood that could never, ever, for the life of him, ever shoot a basket at your local ring? Well, I feel like I’m watching that guy right now. Except he plays in the NBA. And it’s his job to shoot these baskets! Ball falls short! More HIGH FIVES! Stop it with the HIGH FIVES! He’s 0-from-14!
#15 So, after what seems like a constant replay of the same misses, three short balls in a row, we have some reprieve: a ball that bobbles around the rim for a bit before being spat out like a tee shirt from one of those tee shirt Gatling guns. Should he try another approach: shot put?
#16 Ball hits the front rim! Dang! That looked on its way in, then somehow it didn’t go in! Funny that! New rule, and we’ll call it the“De-Jordan Rule”: anything that hits the rim, is a gimme. Problem solved!
#17 Ball hits the front rim, then back rim and side rim and then it bobbles around for a bit and then nothing! No score! So much action! I feel the NBA should let guys score 1-point each time the ball touches the rim on free throws. If that was real, Jordan would be king of the NBA!? But it’s not real.
#19 I thought the FIRST air ball was special! This one was a beauty! AIRRRR BAAAAAAAAAALLL!! It floated in the air just like Dickey’s knuckle ball! THIS IS ACTUALLY NUTS! I MEAN, JUST GET THE BALL IN THE NET!
#20 Nooooooooooooooope! (*pulls at hair!* Crazy machine-gun laugh*)
#21 WHAT THE F*$!! (to be fair, someone yelled out a “Yo’ Mama” joke directed at Jordan. It was crude.)
#22– AND THAT’S 22! I’m done! Forget Ocean’s 13! You now have Deandre’s 22!
Justin Robertson (@justinjourno) is a freelance journalist and Hooped Up contributor based in Toronto, ON.